Complain or Communicate?

Earlier, I had this attitude of complaining. I used to complain and judge a behaviour when I don’t like it.

Then, what I received afterwards was self-defence. The person would defend him/herself back to prove otherwise.

Later on, I learned this important piece of information that transformed the way I communicate. It was when Esther Perel, the relationship coach, said: Behind every blame, judge or complaint, there is a wish. Instead of complaining or blaming, why don’t you state what you want?

For example, instead of saying: You never praise me or you never compliment my new outfit, you say: “Could you please tell me lovely words of how I looked tonight?”.

Of course doing this is not easy. It needs a lot of vulnerability and opening up from your side. But the positive side of this is to reduce the negativity in the interaction and replace it with positivity. Instead of focusing on what you don’t like, you focus on what you do want.

Even if you don’t get what you want immediately after communicating this way, at least you are being transparent and communicate your heart-felt wishes openly and genuinely. Not for the other person but for the sake of your authentic and genuine self. Another bonus also here is you have eliminated the unnecessary drama that often happens due to the critic and complaint.