The Illusion of Niceness
There is this myth that many live with which is: You need to be nice. Even if people get upset, you must maintain the peace. You must talk nicely to make the other person feel good. And so on.
With life experience, I realize that being nice doesn’t necessarily need to occur all the time. In fact, you need to be not nice in some situations with certain people.
You may think: What about the other person? What they must be thinking? What if I might hurt their feelings if I act not nice? And other similar thoughts may appear in your mind.
Well, keep in mind the difference between not nice and disrespect. Not nice means you represent your authentic and genuine truth with full of respect, integrity and honesty which could clash with the other person’s perspective and cause discomfort.
However, disrespect is the act of aggressiveness and rudeness towards a person. It is the attitude that undermines the worthiness of the person. It comes in forms like verbal (you have nothing and you are nothing), or non-verbal like the eye contact looking down at the person, or the body posture like your back facing the person when talking.
Turning back to not nice, it means to create boundaries wherever and whenever is needed according to the situation. For example, you talk with your friend casually. You notice him/her trying to get intimate and close with you inappropriately. In such a context you need to be aware of your niceness syndrome and take some not nice actions like keeping your distance, reducing the number of conversations or being straightforward and upfront stating: Excuse me, but could we please maintain distance and eliminate the unnecessary long hours of chatting.
It is interesting when you learn about yourself and do self-improvement practices daily. This is where you take back your personal power and become accountable and empowered.
The tricky part here is our sensitivity. If you are a sensitive person like me, you might say: But this might hurt their feelings. This is not polite. How come I say or do such a thing to my friend.
For this I turn the lens back to you. What about you? Where you exist in this equation? What are your needs and priorities? What about your privacy and personal space? What about your values, what matters to you and what doesn’t? If it is always about the other person, what does that make you?
Keep doing this mental reflective process and become aware of your thoughts and mental patterns. It doesn’t matter what others are doing. Even if you see people smile 24/7 and happy all the time, it doesn’t mean you have to be like that too. Be yourself, honest, clear, authentic, genuine and straightforward.